awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
