Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
