bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
