The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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