The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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