They should really pass out barf bags in church
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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