So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
