i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
