I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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