That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
