its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
