Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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