I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
