i jhust puked up my retainher.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
