Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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