Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
