I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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