fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
