I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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