that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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