I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
