I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
