My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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