i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
