I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
