Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
