did you get engaged???
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
