the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
