FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
