I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
