So drunk its hurt
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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