I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
