I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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