Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize