I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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