I am puke
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
