Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
