My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
