he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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