I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
