I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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