His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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