I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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