Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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