I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
