At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
