Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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