He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
