my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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