So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
