I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
