You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Two words: blizzard sex
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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