If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
