Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
