i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
