I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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