Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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