I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
